I wouldn’t typically describe myself as a sad or fearful person. I’ve always looked at life with a positive outlook, even when my circumstances were less than ideal. There’s rarely been a hard situation that I thought a smile, a good pep talk and some positive thinking wouldn’t fix.

But there I stood, over the pan of spitting bacon, unable to stop crying. What was going on? My typical motivational speech wasn’t doing the trick. No matter what my internal dialogue was, I just couldn’t will myself to smile in my usual manner – or even stop crying.

Turns out that social distancing and all that has come with it had gotten the better of me – have you reached that point yet? Oh, multiple times? Yeah, me too.

I’m still not 100 percent sure what I was thinking and feeling, but crying helped. And in typical enneagram 3 fashion, so did list making.

I’ve heard several great list-making suggestions during quarantine. One of my favorite podcasters, Emily P. Freeman, suggested making a list titled “These are the days of…” and fill in the blank. This was her way of writing down basic thoughts and memories so she could think through and process them over time. I’ve found this to be helpful since it takes me days or sometimes longer to be able to accurately put words to what I’m truly thinking and feeling. And honestly, sometimes coherent, organized thoughts never fully develop. I’m learning to be okay with that too.

Author Lara Casey suggested listing or documenting in your favorite way – be it photos, art, music, mementos, etc – all the memories you and your loved ones are making. She has been keeping a journal and taping keepsakes inside. I’m going to try to make a photo book this month, collecting all the moments we’ve captured together. My boys love thumbing through the photos remembering each moment and it seems to occupy them a little longer giving me a moment of quiet, double win!

But the list I’ve found the hardest, most raw, yet most rewarding, is a list my pastor Don Cousins encouraged our church to make: our fears.

Certain items on my fear list came quickly – and I believe are fairly universal during this time – fear of a loved one, or myself, getting sick or hospitalized or worse; fear of income/job loss; fear of missing out in so many areas of life like friends, kids, school, etc.

But after some prayer and a little more digging into my mind and heart – I found my fears were actually rooted much deeper.

As I asked myself, “why am I afraid of a loved one getting sick or dying?” it lead to this trail of thoughts: I’m afraid I won’t be able to see them again, hug them again, hear their voice, draw from their wisdom, share life’s milestones, lean on them when I’m too weak. When all the noise and layers were stripped away I realized… I’m afraid of being alone.

Then I did the same with my fear of income loss, it lead to this trail of thoughts: I’m afraid of being uncomfortable and having to change how we are living, afraid of not being able to meet financial obligations, afraid we will have to relocate again, afraid of not having deep roots anywhere, afraid of losing my sense of belonging. Again, when all the noise and layers were stripped away I realized … I’m afraid of never being truly known.

My pastor encouraged us to follow up our list of fears with a very important question, “What step of faith is needed or required?”

In my case, and I think in many situations, the answer is that I need to have faith that God is who He says He is and that I am who He says I am. I need faith that He is always speaking through His word and that the scriptures are worthy of my time and contemplation.

My fear of being alone? Guess what? God says he will never leave me or abandon me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

My fear of not belonging anywhere and never being truly known? Well, He knows my thoughts and even the number of hairs on my head (Psalm 139:1-4, Matthew 10:30). Where I live today, or next year, is important to God and nothing is outside the reach of His hand.

Simply put, I deeply matter to God, and so do you.

So, as it turns out, I’m a more fearful person than I lead myself to believe. But now I know my fear is an indicator of something or somewhere my faith needs to increase… and my prayers, always prayer.

I heard a quote this week by Dorothy Bernard a silent film actress. She said “courage is fear that has said its prayers.” Ironically, back in January I picked a word-of-the-year. If you’re unfamiliar with this idea, it is when someone chooses a word or phrase they want to embody their year ahead. After working on goals for the year, many of which were so far outside my comfort zone, I chose the word “courageous.”

I had no idea at the time all the opportunities God would give me to be of good courage, but I pray that my fears would continue to show me where to practice my faith which I pray will strengthen my courage.

Let me know how your faith and courage are being developed. How is God stretching you during this time?