For most of my life I’ve approached relationships by trying to win others’ favor. I’ve thrived on the approval and acceptance of those around me.

Some call this people pleasing. It’s a term I’ve always pushed back against because much of the time I’ve found true joy helping others in tangible, practical ways.

But, as my kids grew older, pandemics raged and more responsibilities were added to my plate, my time and other resources were stretched thin. I started to pull away from my friends and family, because I found I couldn’t serve them in the ways I’d grown accustomed to.

I was no longer able to win the favor of others by doing which crushed me. How was I supposed to maintain my relationships if I couldn’t keep up my internal, self-imposed expectations of what a friend was supposed to do? Would they still love me if I wasn’t doing all the things for them I had done previously?

I felt defeated and alone. My mind told me my friends and family cared for me no matter what, but my heart broke over the overwhelming feeling that I was a disappointment.

Thankfully, God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

I’ve recently noticed something about God. Every time I’m struggling with something, He reminds me about His character. Many of my struggles are exacerbated by wrong ideas about Him, or myself, or both.

In this recent scenario, God reminded me that nothing I do or don’t do will increase or decrease His love for me. His love is freely given to all (Ephesians 2:8-9). I don’t need to win His favor, because I’ve had His favor since the beginning of time (Ephesians 1:4-5).

I’ve wrongly believed relationships are transactional. You get what you give. But Jesus reminds me that I can never give enough, and He gave everything on the cross. He is enough, so I don’t have to be (2 Corinthians 3:5, 2 Corinthians 12:9).

So when I find myself struggling with thoughts like “I should be doing more” or “how am I actually going to do all I’ve promised?,” I take a deep breath and tell myself I’m already fully loved and accepted exactly as I am. No doing required!