After my sophomore year of college I spent a summer in Ocean City, New Jersey with about 100 other college students who were pursing God with all their hearts. Our days were full of studying the Word, sharing our faith, working summer jobs, and a good bit of shenanigans.
A few months prior to this life-changing summer, I began dating Jon, now my husband of nearly 20 years. I had committed to this program and Jon had committed to a similar program in another city. We knew the distance would be a challenge but one we both wanted to make work.
One summer evening during one of our worship services, I felt strongly that the Lord was asking me to hold my relationship with Jon with an open hand. I was devastated. My first inclination was to break things off with Jon in a sincere desire to be obedient to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I’m so glad I took the time to seek better understanding from God on what He was truly asking me to do. Otherwise, I may have missed out on the blessings of my godly, loving marriage.
Instead, God asked me to loosen my grip, open my hands, and give Him control. He didn’t ask me to throw away my relationship with Jon, but instead, be open to wherever He wanted to take us and whatever He planned for us. This is one of the earliest memories I have of letting go of something and seeing God weave it into a more beautiful and perfect outcome than I would have imagined.
God reminded me of His provision in this story recently when I was confronted with some hard news. We recently had routine blood work done for our two boys. Several labs came back abnormal, including the thyroid levels for my youngest. More testing is required but everything suggests that he likely has the same autoimmune condition I do; Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
As soon as I read the results my heart sank. Immediately, I felt responsible, at-fault, and the cause of a lifetime of struggle he will have juggling medication, diet, and exercise. I was angry, sad, but most of all, frustrated at how life feels so unfair.
My emotions have been on a rollercoaster, fluctuating between knowing God has a plan for our good and struggling with anxious feelings knowing the challenges ahead. During an anxious moment when my muscles were tense and my heart rate elevated, God reminded me of that summer back in college when He asked me to open my hands in surrender. His question once again is, “Do you trust me?”
I want to answer that question with an emphatic “Yes!” I want my yes to be both an intellectual yes but also a yes from the very depths of my heart. To accomplish that I must release my tightly held grip on my son, his health, and his future. The reality is none of those things belong to me anyway. And let’s be honest, my son in God’s hands is a much better place than my own.
As I continue to process this move from control to complete trust, I’m learning it takes moment by moment surrender to Jesus. When I loosen my grip and open my hands, I’m surrendering my worries and fears by laying them at the feet of Jesus. And it is there, with my unhindered hands, that I am able to freely worship God because I know He is working all things for my good and His glory. I’m excited to see how God weaves my messy life into a beautiful tapestry for His name’s sake.
Would you pray for Lukas and our family as we navigate these changes and decisions?
Want to read more? Here are some additional blog posts about trusting God:
1. How God Taught me to Follow the Right Voice
2. How to Face Your Fears and Walk by Faith